“I want you to tell me about every person you’ve ever been in love with. Tell me why you loved them, then tell me why they loved you. Tell me about a day in your life you didn’t think you’d live through. Tell me what the word “home” means to you and tell me in a way that I’ll know your mother’s name just by the way you describe your bed room when you were 8. See, I wanna know the first time you felt the weight of hate and if that day still trembles beneath your bones. Do you prefer to play in puddles of rain or bounce in the bellies of snow? And if you were to build a snowman, would you rip two branches from a tree to build your snowman arms? Or would you leave the snowman armless for the sake of being harmless to the tree? And if you would, would you notice how that tree weeps for you because your snowman has no arms to hug you every time you kiss him on the cheek? Do you kiss your friends on the cheek? Do you sleep beside them when they’re sad, even if it makes your lover mad? Do you think that anger is a sincere emotion or just the timid motion of a fragile heart trying to beat away its pain? See, I wanna know what you think of your first name. And if you often lie awake at night and imagine your mother’s joy when she spoke it for the very first time. I want you tell me all the ways you’ve been unkind. Tell me all the ways you’ve been cruel. See, I wanna know more than what you do for a living. I wanna know how much of your life you spend just giving. And if you love yourself enough to also receive sometimes. I wanna know if you bleed sometimes through other people’s wounds.”—Andrea Gibson (via a-vaunt)
I can come up with tons of reasons I want to be high and numb out right now. So the goal now is to find a good reason not to or at least a few good questions to think about.
1. My best friend’s birthday is this weekend and I don’t want to ruin it for her.
2. Drugs are expensive and I am poor
3. The chances that I will hopefully be pregnant in the very near future.
4. I have worked so hard to come away from that lifestyle do I really want to go back now?
5. What will the people who care about me think when they find out?
6. Do I really want to start lying about everything again?
7. If I start using again now, in this place emotionally, will I be able to control it and stop?
8. Am I willing to be like my mother? Run away from everything when I get scared.
9. Is it worth it, are the few moments of bliss and emotionlessness worth the pain it will cause others?
10. Do I care about others enough right now to not hurt them as well?
11. Even though I don’t have the kids with me, I am still their influence, is this the influence I want to be setting?
12. Is this a wise decision or an impulsive decision?
13. Is there something else, less life destroying that you can use to get the same type of effect?
14. Am I willing to lose my chances for my degree and license?
15. Will anything be accomplished by this decision?
So I guess this is the start of my list, now the problem is to actually care enough about these points to not do it anyways because I can come up with a counter for almost every one of these…. Strength is an amazing thing that I could really use some more of these days!
It has been almost 3 years since ice cut, but alot of shit has been happening I my life and all I can think about is how much better I will feel once I put that blade to my wrist and push hard. I have no one to talk to since no one knows about my problems or that I even use to cut. It's so hard to stay strong when my world is crumbling around me
The other thing you have to remember is how bad you will feel once you do cut, it allows you relief for a little while but they you will be mad for cutting. Talk to someone about the stuff going on in your life if you need someone to talk to, you can talk to me. I know that feeling
So I don’t know how to make life work with God. If there is a God, why is he so mean why do people go through all the stuff that they do? Why does a little girl get fondled and later painfully raped by a friend of the family? Why does her cousin fondle her in her sleep? Why does she grow up to date guys who abuse her over and over again? Where is God through all of that? Where is God when I am holding my fiance on days like today when all she does is cry because her family has abandoned her? Where was God when the one person who always said they would be there disappeared from my life in an instant? When that same person has chosen to not be at her daughters wedding or the birth of her first child. Where is God in all of this? I want God, I wish that God would continue to show up in my life, I had hoped that after Mercy I would not feel so alone, that God would abandon me. How is someone supposed to trust in God after all this? If someone can give me some light on this subject I would be grateful!!
“When I was a little girl I thought I understood how things worked. Girls grew up to and married boys. Fathers walked their daughters down the aisle, there was an order to things. First, came love, then came marriage, then came an overpriced, ridiculously complicated baby carriage. But when I grew up, I realized that’s not necessarily how things worked. Girls can marry girls and boys can marry boys. Mothers can walk their daughters down the aisle. And kids can come before love and marriage. It’s taken me years to figure out who I want to be and what I’ve learned is - it’s a choice that you make every day about who you want to be and who you want to be it with. It means appreciating what’s happened in your life to bring you to this point and letting go of it and it means being willing to commit with no guarantees. It means knowing and accepting reality, you might just get the fantasy you’ve always dreamed of.”—
Wow… So it has been forever since I have had a chance to be able to write on here. I can’t wait to really get this going again.
So what has happened in the last year of my life. Well in July I graduated from Mercy, thinking that all was right in the world and that all my major issues would now be gone and life would be so much easier from that point forward. Well come to find out life really doesn’t change that easily, even when you spent a year someplace trying to do so. I thought that I was going to be this perfect person, I spent a year trying to get there and not more than a week out of Mercy I completely fell on my face. I struggled to get back up, but I had someone there to help me back up, for once in my life there was someone to help me up. She picked me up, took me home, and helped to show me that I can still walk forward. I really had begun to think that she would never leave me, that she really did love/care about me. It was so amazing!!
Sadly enough after being out of Mercy for about 3 weeks I began dating this amazing girl (Sorry Mercy you didn’t get the gay out of me) but because of the fact that I was dating girl and because of who that girl is, the one person who I always thought would be there for me disappeared in a matter of minutes and I haven’t been able to talk to her for over 6 months. The one person who had been there to show me strength and how to walk out life left, left me, left her, left everything. To the point that not much after we were pulled from their lives they decided that they wanted No contact with us.
So back to hell for me, living in a place that I have hated my whole life, however I came here to be with the woman that I love. I continue to live through it, continue to push on because this is the woman that I love and I can’t imagine living my life without her. However because of the circumstances that brought us/me back here, I have some bitterness/resentment in my heart and a lot of days I have just pure sadness. I miss having that woman in my life she helped hold me together more than anyone in my life and she has no idea how much I miss and love her, I wonder each and every day if she thinks about me at all, if she misses me or even still loves me because most if not all of me believes that she hates me with all that she is, and she is not a person who hates people, but I honestly believe that I am on that list.
My little siblings are living with me for the most part once again :D I am so happy to have them back in my life, like I have said before raising a 9, 10 & 15 year old can be really really hard. But oh so enjoyable!!!!!
Working a couple of different jobs to help pay for all our stuff, paying for rent because we have a nice little apartment, not the best thing in the world but it will do :D
And greatest news of all…. I proposed this weekend and we are getting MARRIED!!!!!!!!
What does love look like to you? Maybe love to you is the abuse that you grew up with, the yelling, fighting, and hitting, maybe love to you is taking care of your siblings or maybe love is cleaning up after your parents or keeping their secrets. What if I were to tell you there is a better love out there, an unfailing, unconditional, never ending love that will NEVER hurt you? This love is truly amazing, it covers all the wrongs that you have already done, along with all the wrongs that you are going to do in the future. This love is kind, faithful, and slow to anger. It will guide you and protect you as you walk through this life. It is humble, unselfish and totally forgiving. This love is completely trust worthy and if you put your trust in this love it will give you hope. The love that i am talking about is not only available to some, it is available to everyone, the bruised, the broken, the lost, the hurt, the weak, the undeserving, the list goes on and on. If you want this love its yours for the taking, just cry out for it, this live is the love of God
“What is love? Is it a feeling? Is it butterflies? Is it infatuation? None of these things are love. Love is a commitment. Love is putting others before yourself… even when you don’t fell like it. Love is doing and not promising to do. Love can’t be manufactured by human beings without a divine touch from the Author of love, God Himself. God is love. Learn to love by committing your life to God.”—John Cash
“But instead of making cutting what you control, make not cutting what you control. You can choose to wake up in the morning and feel okay because you chose not to make things harder. To say, ‘Crap is already hard enough. I have not made it harder, I’m on my own side.”—
“Do you ever wonder whether people would like you more or less if they could see inside you? …I always wonder about that. If people could see me the way I see myself—if they could live in my memories—would anyone, anyone, love me?”—John Green
“There comes a moment when our lives change forever. The moment we admit our weaknesses, the moment we rise to a challenge, the moment we accept a sacrifice, or let a loved one go. And sometimes the change in our lives is an answer to our prayers.”—Desperate Housewives
“When you’re struggling with something, look at all the people around you and realize that every single person you see is struggling with something, and to them, it’s just as hard as what you’re going through.”—Dear John