Project 7:15

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Mon, 13 May 2013 00:31:18 -0500

God?

Mon, 13 May 2013 00:27:14 -0500

So I don’t know how to make life work with God. If there is a God, why is he so mean why do people go through all the stuff that they do? Why does a little girl get fondled and later painfully raped by a friend of the family? Why does her cousin fondle her in her sleep? Why does she grow up to date guys who abuse her over and over again? Where is God through all of that? Where is God when I am holding my fiance on days like today when all she does is cry because her family has abandoned her? Where was God when the one person who always said they would be there disappeared from my life in an instant? When that same person has chosen to not be at her daughters wedding or the birth of her first child. Where is God in all of this? I want God, I wish that God would continue to show up in my life, I had hoped that after Mercy I would not feel so alone, that God would abandon me. How is someone supposed to trust in God after all this? If someone can give me some light on this subject I would be grateful!!

"When I was a little girl I thought I understood how things worked. Girls grew up to and married..."

Wed, 27 Feb 2013 13:29:32 -0600

“When I was a little girl I thought I understood how things worked. Girls grew up to and married boys. Fathers walked their daughters down the aisle, there was an order to things. First, came love, then came marriage, then came an overpriced, ridiculously complicated baby carriage. But when I grew up, I realized that’s not necessarily how things worked. Girls can marry girls and boys can marry boys. Mothers can walk their daughters down the aisle. And kids can come before love and marriage. It’s taken me years to figure out who I want to be and what I’ve learned is - it’s a choice that you make every day about who you want to be and who you want to be it with. It means appreciating what’s happened in your life to bring you to this point and letting go of it and it means being willing to commit with no guarantees. It means knowing and accepting reality, you might just get the fantasy you’ve always dreamed of.”

Crazy Update

Wed, 27 Feb 2013 00:09:08 -0600

Wow… So it has been forever since I have had a chance to be able to write on here. I can’t wait to really get this going again.

So what has happened in the last year of my life. Well in July I graduated from Mercy, thinking that all was right in the world and that all my major issues would now be gone and life would be so much easier from that point forward. Well come to find out life really doesn’t change that easily, even when you spent a year someplace trying to do so. I thought that I was going to be this perfect person, I spent a year trying to get there and not more than a week out of Mercy I completely fell on my face. I struggled to get back up, but I had someone there to help me back up, for once in my life there was someone to help me up. She picked me up, took me home, and helped to show me that I can still walk forward. I really had begun to think that she would never leave me, that she really did love/care about me. It was so amazing!!

Sadly enough after being out of Mercy for about 3 weeks I began dating this amazing girl (Sorry Mercy you didn’t get the gay out of me) but because of the fact that I was dating girl and because of who that girl is, the one person who I always thought would be there for me disappeared in a matter of minutes and I haven’t been able to talk to her for over 6 months. The one person who had been there to show me strength and how to walk out life left, left me, left her, left everything. To the point that not much after we were pulled from their lives they decided that they wanted No contact with us.

So back to hell for me, living in a place that I have hated my whole life, however I came here to be with the woman that I love. I continue to live through it, continue to push on because this is the woman that I love and I can’t imagine living my life without her. However because of the circumstances that brought us/me back here, I have some bitterness/resentment in my heart and a lot of days I have just pure sadness. I miss having that woman in my life she helped hold me together more than anyone in my life and she has no idea how much I miss and love her, I wonder each and every day if she thinks about me at all, if she misses me or even still loves me because most if not all of me believes that she hates me with all that she is, and she is not a person who hates people, but I honestly believe that I am on that list.

My little siblings are living with me for the most part once again :D I am so happy to have them back in my life, like I have said before raising a 9, 10 & 15 year old can be really really hard. But oh so enjoyable!!!!!

Working a couple of different jobs to help pay for all our stuff, paying for rent because we have a nice little apartment, not the best thing in the world but it will do :D

And greatest news of all…. I proposed this weekend and we are getting MARRIED!!!!!!!!

Change your thoughts and you change your world. Something Mercy...

Sun, 29 Jul 2012 00:51:29 -0500

Change your thoughts and you change your world. Something Mercy has taught me oh so well!!!! (Taken with Instagram)

God's love

Sun, 29 Jul 2012 00:50:18 -0500

What does love look like to you? Maybe love to you is the abuse that you grew up with, the yelling, fighting, and hitting, maybe love to you is taking care of your siblings or maybe love is cleaning up after your parents or keeping their secrets. What if I were to tell you there is a better love out there, an unfailing, unconditional, never ending love that will NEVER hurt you? This love is truly amazing, it covers all the wrongs that you have already done, along with all the wrongs that you are going to do in the future. This love is kind, faithful, and slow to anger. It will guide you and protect you as you walk through this life. It is humble, unselfish and totally forgiving. This love is completely trust worthy and if you put your trust in this love it will give you hope. The love that i am talking about is not only available to some, it is available to everyone, the bruised, the broken, the lost, the hurt, the weak, the undeserving, the list goes on and on. If you want this love its yours for the taking, just cry out for it, this live is the love of God

Posts

Fri, 23 Dec 2011 02:13:21 -0600

Sorry it has been a little bit since I posted but should be able to get back on track in the next two weeks :)

Just want you to know I made your blog my homepage. Your posts motivate me to not only stop but focus back on what matters. Thank You

Fri, 23 Dec 2011 01:43:46 -0600

Wow, thank you :)

Your blog is truely amazing !!!its so encouraging and inspiring !!!

Fri, 23 Dec 2011 01:43:16 -0600

Thank you

"What is love? Is it a feeling? Is it butterflies? Is it infatuation? None of these things are love...."

Tue, 15 Nov 2011 19:06:05 -0600

“What is love? Is it a feeling? Is it butterflies? Is it infatuation? None of these things are love. Love is a commitment. Love is putting others before yourself… even when you don’t fell like it. Love is doing and not promising to do. Love can’t be manufactured by human beings without a divine touch from the Author of love, God Himself. God is love. Learn to love by committing your life to God.”

- John Cash

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Sun, 13 Nov 2011 18:36:05 -0600

That is totally me, I am so glad that even though the world may...

Sat, 12 Nov 2011 19:05:06 -0600

That is totally me, I am so glad that even though the world may hate me and who I am the Jesus loves me. Score one for the home team!

"What is waiting for me in the direction I don’t take?"

Fri, 11 Nov 2011 18:35:06 -0600

“What is waiting for me in the direction I don’t take?”

- Jack Kerouac

Watch me… I have said that so many times I don’t...

Thu, 10 Nov 2011 19:06:06 -0600

Watch me… I have said that so many times I don’t know that I could even count them… I was the ‘screw ups’ daughter therefore I was supposed to be a screw up and set out in life to prove them wrong and I have done okay with my life.

"But instead of making cutting what you control, make not cutting what you control. You can choose to..."

Wed, 09 Nov 2011 19:00:06 -0600

“But instead of making cutting what you control, make not cutting what you control. You can choose to wake up in the morning and feel okay because you chose not to make things harder. To say, ‘Crap is already hard enough. I have not made it harder, I’m on my own side.”

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Tue, 08 Nov 2011 18:33:05 -0600

"The distinction between past, present and future is an illusion, but a very persistent one."

Mon, 07 Nov 2011 18:31:05 -0600

“The distinction between past, present and future is an illusion, but a very persistent one.”

- Albert Einstein

I hate that everyone has friends like this… I have a few...

Sun, 06 Nov 2011 17:37:05 -0600

I hate that everyone has friends like this… I have a few of them and it just bothers me that I know when I see their name on my phone or a text message from them that they are calling because they need something, a ride, a favor, dinner at my house, they are looking for something and are not just my friend because they like who i am and want to hang out with me.

"Life is too short to spend hoping that the perfectly arched eyebrow or the hottest new lip shade..."

Sat, 05 Nov 2011 18:34:05 -0500

“Life is too short to spend hoping that the perfectly arched eyebrow or the hottest new lip shade will mask an ugly heart.”

- Kevyn Aucoin

So true… you have to learn how to live outside your...

Fri, 04 Nov 2011 18:32:06 -0500

So true… you have to learn how to live outside your comfort zone to be able to actually have fun in life and do things that you will remember for the rest of your life or to have stories to tell other people when you are old. No body wants to hear a story about how you never took any risks and you never left your comfort zone in life…. I will not go slowly so that I can arrive safely at death.